They feel that having that special someone, no matter how much of a compromise is necessary, allows them to comfortably fit into their social group, particularly if everyone in their circle is partnered. Being single can feel lonely, lonely and an outsider.
- Letting the strain to be partnered build up can divert you into making bad decisions, feel impelled to hook-up with a person out of a feeling of necessity. That may be okay in the short-term as a temporary stopgap, offering companionship for a moment, but it’s important to recognise that for what it is.
So often people feel bereft when a relationship ends. There may be concerns about the future; will I meet somebody else, how long will I be on my own, if I have tried harder or stayed with the connection I had?
- But there is nowhere more lonely than a loveless marriage, where one person stays because of financial reasons, a fear of being alone or of upsetting the kids or loved ones. The tension, underlying resentment, hostility or constant bickering can result in a very miserable family. There is nothing’special’ about a relationship that’s missing love or mutual respect.
When we’re desperate to find a special someone it can cause more problems than it resolves. Defining ourselves and others through our connection status can miss the actual point of having somebody important with whom to share our life. That individual should add value, not provide the only real reason for our existence.
- Some people might even enter our lives in a purely temporary capacity. Therefore, they may provide the impetus for us to move on from a bad position, enthuse us to review our lives, change career, upgrade our picture, introduce us to new exciting hobbies and interests. But once that’s on course they may well then fade out of our orbit.
They can’t or do not need to take care of any of our mess, troubles or complications. Conversely there are those people who love nothing more than to trainer, problem-solve and fix us, the foul-weather friends and fans who enjoy deep and purposeful sessions but do not much care to party or socialise.
Having a relationship with may work well for a time, but is not likely to be a long-term answer to your relationship status. But equally, not all special relationships need to be permanent.
- An important thing would be to ask yourself what you want from a relationship; do you actually need a special someone, does your life actually revolve around having a significant other in your life, does your relationship status specify who you are? It’s important to understand if you’re prepared to await the correct individual to come along, no matter how long that may take.
Some people could be focussed on getting married or living permanently together, for others that are too intrusive. Some may want a constant partner in the place where they do everything together, talk about everything, share all facets of their lives, but others like to maintain some independence and separateness, enjoying specific times together, like holidays or weekends, but living their own lives in other times.
- To locate our special someone it’s good to first start working on yourself. Ask yourself who is the most important individual in your life. Even if you still have young children it is best if the solution is you. When you are feeling good about yourself, healthy, joyful and at peace, everyone on your life benefits.
Then you discover that your quality of life improves and you realise that you would rather be alone that with someone who’s not right for you, who’s unsupportive or brings unwanted energy into your dwelling. Being on your own is better than good enough or good, once you’re comfortable in your own firm.
- When you learn to love yourself you find ways to communicate your ideas and feelings to others and are able to define appropriate boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable treatment and behaviour. Your desperate need to have a special someone abates and you’re able to be more selective and discerning, able to find somebody who complements you and adds value to your life.
Sure, some things that bother others may be fine by you; that is good for you to know and can help you to become clearer about what you need from a partner.
It is liberating to realise that a particular someone is only special because they’re ideal for you. The relationship then becomes a wonderful outcome and addition, as opposed to a requirement in your life.